Thursday, January 31, 2008

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The Naughtiest Puppy In The World

Meet Gracie Lee Webb.

Looks like a little angel, doesn’t she?

Don’t you believe it.

She is a Pagan Baby. (1)

Saturday night, I was minding my own business. Watching I Love Lucy. I realized, Gracie had been quiet for quite some time.

I found her, reclining on my bed, chewing on an open prescription medicine bottle. Half of the pills were gone.

Gracie!

She ran. When she thinks she has something we really, really want, it is much more fun to run laps around the house than simply give over the whatever.

Can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread Dog.

I traded her a cookie for the bottle.

Called the Vet. The answering service operator took the information:

"My puppy just ate four 100 mg capsules of Macrobid. She weighs about 18 pounds and will be six months old next Friday."

What kind of puppy is this?

This is the Naughtiest Puppy In The World.

The Vet called. This is too much medicine load for a little girl. You have to make her vomit.

Yippee.

Give her a cup of Hydrogen Peroxide with a turkey baster, followed by a cup of warm water. If she doesn’t vomit in ten minutes, repeat.

I pause, making sure I have correctly calculated how many pills are missing. (2)

The vet yells at me, The longer we’re on the phone the more medicine she will absorb!

All right, Ms. Vet. I appreciate the information, but you’ll live longer if you take a breath once in a while. (3)

Of course, when Gracie realizes I want her to do something, this is the signal to begin another game of Catch Me If You Can.

I trick her into a dead-end room with the squeaky ball, because she is not my first terrier.

I plop her into the bathtub and proceed to baster two cups of liquid down her throat.

Then I call my doctor. My puppy ate most of the prescription you gave me yesterday.

I try to find the chewed bottle to read the drug name off it, and I can not find the bottle.

I had it in my hand while I was talking to the Vet.

When I step out of the bathroom to continue the search, Gracie slips by me, just in time to unload the medicine and everything else she ate that day in four piles in my bedroom. Two piles in the hall, one in the living room, and to show me how nice it would have been if my original plan had worked, two in the bathroom.

I find the bottle in the kitchen. Tell the doctor the name of the medicine about the time he finds me in his computer. He starts laughing.

Usually, he says, when the puppy eats the medicine, it’s a narcotic.

Oh, says I.

It never occurred to me, my story might be suspect. (4) I just talked to the vet, I can give you her number.

I believe you
, he says. (5) What kind of puppy is this?

The Naughtiest Puppy In The World.

Did that turkey baster thing work?

Barfarama.

I’ll keep that in mind.

Hung up from the doctor in time to see Gracie ask to go outside. (6)

Not wanting to play Catch Me If You Can in an acre of yard, in the dark, I tell her she can stay inside.

To show me, I’m not as smart as I think I am, she poops by the front door.

While I’m cleaning up barf, she steals the paper towel I’m using. Twice.

Once everything is cleaned up, put up, secured from further attack, I collapse in my recliner and think, this dog is going to hate me.

Gracie jumps in the chair, gives me a puppy smooch through peroxided, barfy whiskers, and falls asleep on my lap.

There is an old Irish curse that goes like this:

May the Seven Terriers of Hell
sit on the spool of your breast
and bark in at your soul case.


I’ve got a better one.

Spend one evening, home alone, with The Naughtiest Puppy In The World.






1 No offense intended to actual Pagan Babies.
2 Never claimed to be a math genius.
3. Actually, my EMT training kicked in. The emergency will end with better results, if we proceed in an orderly fashion. And, by the way, absorption through the gut is the slowest route.
4. Who would make this shit up?
5. What kind of stupid dope fiend wants extra antibiotics?
6. Miracle #2783a, Vatican Archives, Drawer D.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Friday Fill-In

#56

1. Photography makes me happy.

2. I would like more free time, please.

3. Starbucks Double Shot tastes SO good!

4. Monday is my favorite day of the week because it's a fresh start.

5. Humor is my best feature.

6. We could learn so much from puppies, if only they'd be still long enough to teach.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to Monday, because I have a required EMS Refresher Course that will take 16 hour chunk out of Saturday and Sunday.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Oscars for Writing . . .

... are last on the list.

After reading three news accounts of this year's Oscar nominees in which none managed to mention the writing nominees, I cruised over to Oscar.org to see the actual list. And there, listed LAST, are the writers.

Adapted screenplay

Atonement” (Focus Features)
Screenplay by Christopher Hampton

Away from Her” (Lionsgate)
Written by Sarah Polley

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” (Miramax/Pathé Renn)
Screenplay by Ronald Harwood

No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)
Written for the screen by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen

There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax)
Written for the screen by Paul Thomas Anderson

Original screenplay

Juno” (Fox Searchlight)
Written by Diablo Cody

Lars and the Real Girl” (MGM)
Written by Nancy Oliver

Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)
Written by Tony Gilroy

Ratatouille” (Walt Disney)
Screenplay by Brad Bird
Story by Jan Pinkava, Jim Capobianco, Brad Bird

The Savages” (Fox Searchlight)
Written by Tamara Jenkins

And I gotta say, Ratatouille?

Monday, January 21, 2008

Winter Wonderland

This morning, the temperature gauge in the car said,
Go back in the house!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Cloverfield

The Blair Witch Project goes to Manhattan.

Pretty much, that's it.

Of course, there is the requisite rip-off of 9/11 imagery to thrill, scare or revolt us, as the case may be.

Nice monster, though.

All the reviews I've read say the monster is kept hidden, but fear not. We get a nice, close look at it towards the end in a scene so sweet, I heard someone in the back say, Dude.

But, this is only a one DUDE movie.

The audience seemed abnormally agitated and VOCAL when the movie ended. One woman asked everyone in her aisle, should I recommend this to friends?

Well, Dearie, depends on your friends.

Did they like Blair Witch? Are they teenagers? Do they care if spoiled Yuppies get squished by gigantic, spider-like monsters?

If so, then this is the movie for them.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Sound of Music

iTunes keeps track of how many times each song is played.

My recent hot list is:

In My Daughter's Eyes, Martina McBride

Daughter grows up, moves away, Mom anticipates death.

So Far Away, Carole King.

Nobody lives here anymore.

Greatest Man I Never Knew, Reba

Dad dies.

How Can I Help You Say Goodbye, Patti Loveless.

Marriage breaks up, Mom dies.

Now, if I could find the old country song,

My Doggone Dog Died. Dog Gone.

I'd have the whole set.

Photo Theme Thursday

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Sunday, January 13, 2008

If You Order a Mojito . . .

it should look like this.
Although, I do admit, this looks like dirty dog bath water, it didn't taste like that.

And, yes, I have tasted dirty dog bath water. Thank-you.

On further thought, less you doubt the veracity of my local barkeep -- some professional mojito pictures.


On The Job - Differences

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Picture a Thursday

Found this site - Photo Theme for Thursday -
which I'm starting next week, but in the spirit ...Not quite done with Christmas. See me?

My breakfast the other day. It only looks like dog food.

If you order a mojito and
are served this, prepare to be disappointed.

Friday, January 04, 2008

TGIF


Friday Fill-In #53

1. This year, I'd like to CONCENTRATE ON MY CAREER.

2. DISASTER RESPONSE is what I daydream about most.

EMT training has filled my head with Worst Case Scenario-itis. Hard to turn off at bedtime.

3. My LIFE is a CIRCUS.

Send in the clowns. No, wait, they're already here.

4. I would like to have more VACATION in my life.
Ocean. Ocean. OCEAN!

5. I love to have lots of FLOWERS around the house.

6. GRACIE makes me smile.

video

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to BEING DONE WITH ERRAND DAY, sometime this weekend, I hope to see NATIONAL TREASURE!

Wait for me Nic.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008