Thursday, December 28, 2006

You Might Live In Montana

Attributed to Jeff Foxworthy, this list is making the rounds via email.

If parking your car for the night involves an extension cord –
You might live in Montana.

That’s right. And propane jells at –55 or so, if you’re smart and live in Montana, you also have a wood stove.

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 8 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by –
You might live in Montana.

Or Minnesota, or you’re an ice fisherman. Not that this ever offered any attraction to me, but I hear the big ones are nearer the surface when the top foot or so is frozen and walleye are so good I don’t care how they make their way to my table.

If you're proud that your state makes the national news primarily because it houses the coldest spot in the nation –
You might live in Montana.

Well, I already mentioned that 55 below zero which occurred one Christmas Eve just outside Billings with no wind and the propane jelled and church was canceled.

I believe the last few times Montana was in the news, they were whacko alerts. One was the Unabomber and another was when the local militia barricaded themselves on a ranch and stood off the FBI for a while, which occasioned the new State motto:

Montana, the Last Best Place to Hide-Out and Hole-Up.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't even work there –
You might live in Montana.

Strangers will push your car out of a snow bank, if you’ve been so silly as to get stuck, and the only thanks they expect is a wave goodbye.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time –
You might live in Montana.

After a few weeks of 20 below, zero feels like a heat wave.

If you know how to correctly pronounce Butte –
You might live in Montana.

If you haven’t been to Butte on St. Patrick’s Day, you’ve never been to a real party. But try to leave before the riot.

If you measure distance in hours –
You might live in Montana.

When last I was in Los Angeles, we noticed no one knew how far it was to anywhere. They only knew times. An hour to the drugstore. Two to the mall. This is because if you live in LA and it’s three blocks to where you want to go, it might take five hours to get there.

If you often switch from "heat" to "A/C" and back again in the same day –
You might live in Montana.

I think the temperature ranges we get are more interesting than how cold it is. 90 degree temperature change in one day, now that is interesting. Plus freak snowstorms are always good for a laugh. Remember the year in snowed on the 4th of July? Fireworks against snow are extra pretty.

If you consider Red Lodge exotic –
You might live in Montana.

Wrong. Red Lodge is not exotic. See Butte.

If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer --
You might live in Montana.

Warning! If you put a stature of a deer in your yard, someone is going to shoot at your house. That someone being an out-of-state hunter who knows it’s going to take him two days to get home.

If you find 0 degrees a "little chilly" –
You might live in Montana.

That’s just a little notion we put around to keep the out-of-staters from coming back.


  1. Moviequill8:35 AM

    I hear you can get some great bison burgers there heh (just read Jane Fonda's book about Ted Turner's obsession)

  2. "If you haven’t been to Butte on St. Patrick’s Day, you’ve never been to a real party. But try to leave before the riot."

    So ... the Irish migrated to Butte?

  3. Oh, my, can't top those. Wouldn't even try. The comments about LA traveled being measured in time, not in mileage are 100% accurate. I work professionally in the transportation field, and the route sheets we give our drivers are printed with the stop times and without the mileage. We had the mileages suppressed so as not to confuse the little dears. or deers. or elk. or wapiti. whatever. no, no, they drive buses, not reindeer.

    Sarah (rhubarb)

  4. Never tried buffalo, but elk is good. Antelope's my favorite.

    There's so much Irish in Butte's history, the Irish President visited last year.

    I couldn't figure out the LA aversion to mileage -- what with all those excellent roads, one would think mileage would be second nature. Of course when most of the time on the excellent roads is spent sitting in a line watching the blonde in the Beemer, one lane over doing her hair, mileage becomes insignificant.


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